Thursday, October 10, 2013

Miley, Just Wait 'til You're 40, Young Lady

Image courtesy of
Miley Cyrus is only 20 years old, a volatile age when hormones are raging and yet the brain's frontal lobe isn't fully developed, so I'm not going to pass judgement on her recent VMA performance which scandalized much of America. I thought it was mostly silly, anyway.

My beef with Miley is that she slammed middle-aged women's sexuality on national TV. On Monday, Miley told The Today Show's Matt Lauer that she'll stop being so overtly sexual when she hits age 40 because,
"I heard when you turn 40 things start to go a little less sexual," Cyrus said, kicking her legs back and forth as she sat on a tall stool. "So probably around 40, around that time, I heard that’s when people don’t have sex anymore."
Well, Miley, you heard wrong. It's true that women over 40 don't feel much like humping oversized pink teddy bears or fondling themselves with big foam fingers. But that doesn't mean they aren't sexual creatures. In many ways, older women are much more in touch with their sensuality than you.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Miley. Most women would not say they were at their sexual peak at age 20, or even at age 30. In fact, according to the (fair warning, it's a site that sells sex toys and erotica), 90% of women over age 30 experience regular orgasms compared to just 23% of younger women.

That statistic (see graphic at right) demonstrates that women in their 20s still have a fair bit to learn about themselves and sex. Which is fine! Sexuality, like most aspects of life, is a journey.

The good news, Miley, is that you're going to be pleasantly surprised when you hit 40. I know I was. Middle aged women know themselves better, feel better about themselves, and have the confidence, experience and wisdom to express themselves fully - both in and out of the bedroom. We just don't need to get naked and make out with a wrecking ball to prove it.

Look, the twenties are wonderful. It's a period of huge growth and everything is new and exciting. But I want young women to know that life after 40 rocks too - and some things get even better with age. Including sex! Miley, twerk all you want, girl, but don't place limits on yourself. Ask your mom - you have a lot to look forward to!

Friday, October 4, 2013

I'm a Conversexionalist

I've been writing and talking about sex and relationships for almost five years, but I've never claimed to be an expert. I'm not a counselor, therapist, doctor or sexual healer. But after all this time reading about sex and interviewing people about sex and facilitating panel discussions about sex, I realized I do have a specialty. I'm an expert in sparking conversations about sex in midlife. Ergo, my new self proclaimed job title - Conversexionalist!

I'm convinced that intelligent, compassionate conversations about sex have real value. There can be so much shame and fear and misinformation out there regarding this delicate subject - especially in long-term relationships, especially as we get a little older. Women need support to embrace and nurture this vital aspect of their lives and couples need ways to talk about intimacy to grow in their relationships. I don't want to tell people what to do in the bedroom; rather my goal is to provide ideas and inspiration and encouragement and let y'all take it from there.  I know from my own marriage that it's a good thing!

One of my latest "Sex & the Suburbs" conversexions over at Make it Better is about porn. It's probably the thing I'm asked about most frequently by women - my husband watches porn, what does that mean for me? Well, I've posed that question to a trio of North Shore experts, and their answers might surprise you. Click the link to read the full column:

image via

Also, through Make it Better's chic "Tech Mama Lounge" in Winnetka I'm leading a couple of classes - one just for women, the other just for men - where we'll explore ways to build greater intimacy in relationships. And I'll answer any questions that come up along the way. The women's class is the evening of Wednesday, October 16th, and the men's class is Wednesday October 30th (Devil's Night!) We'll be serving wine and/or craft beer, so if you're interested, please sign up. I promise we will have fun. I have lots of spicy discussion topics and some "treats" to share as well. 

For the full schedule of Tech Mama courses, visit: